Insecurity is calling!
I don't know why and how, but the moment I sat down holding my pen, collecting these notes for actually writing some good stuff (Not the nonsense I write all the time), the first word I could utter was, 'Insecurity'.
This single word means everything for a person like me. Lacking confidence, full of envy, normally never happy with others' victory ( Yeah, that's me ). And we also envy the fact, that why don't other people feel like us? Why are they just over positive about their shitty-looking life? But they are! Or I don't know. I never studied. But they just seem like so.
The only thing I know is, I'm not feeling well. I never do! It feels like something is holding myself back. The constant thing, gripping, resisting me to feel good. If I go for my insight, like as we are taught in our Bollywood movies. Those black and white shadows, giving some overly negative yet positive advices at the same time. But in my case, this is hilarious! For me at least. I always find myself with the only black shadow, who gives nothing but some pathetic suggestions and a little more negative thoughts to ponder on all fucking day.
But all this drama is killing me inside. Why can't I just feel like others do. It is so simple yet tricky. How can you see your mother being partial for your sibling? Okay I seconded the fact, those are our siblings and mothers can never be partial. But sometimes actions do! Does that really not affect you? Like how? I feel insecure even if someone touches my pen! Like GOD! What if he starts chewing my pen? Or what if he drops it somewhere? NO!
Sometimes I really wish, it's not only I who think like this.
And then a day comes, when you are like, okay it's enough now! You're not going to act like this insecure bitch anymore. Look outside, world is so secure. No one is interested in no one's business. So what, a person chews your pen or even drops it? You can buy another one. It's fine!It's kiddish in fact. So you finally step out as a secure human. You look around, people are looking pretty good! See I have used two adjectives and that too for humans ! I'm doing well ah-huh?
Then you allow your mother to pamper your sibling more than you could ever see. 'Cause chill! Mothers are never partial. Not only this, you give your sibling your favorite pen besides the fact, he does chew every fucking thing like a dog! But come on, he is your brother. You come out of your house, but this time without applying your most secured sunscreen lotion. Because your skin is feeling more secured than you could care. Without Umbrella. Who the hell scares of that rain huh? Come on shoot me you little chick! I'm a secured woman now!
A girl who was Insecure about the hanging fan for falling in any wink, is suddenly feeling everything so perfect!
"But wait! Perfect? how can everything be so perfect? Why I'm being this secure? Am I over-reacting? Shit what if it rains? Fuckkk MY PEN! "
Here you go! So yeah, this was me acting like a wonder woman and miserably failed! This is exactly what I did, when I was pissed with my insecurities.
" What if he said that?"
"I'm not good enough for them"
"They would leave me"
Clap! Clap! IT IS OKAY!
Because at the end, I realized it's okay to be insecure unless, it exceeds the limit. I accept myself as I were meant to be. Sometimes, people name your insecurities to be your obsession and then lunacy. But the only words you have to remember is, " People speak". Your teacher, your boss, your friends et all, know you for last some months or maybe years. But it's only you, who know yourself since you were a kid. People make judgements, but it's only you who can make yourself the You.
Be it insecurity or your obsession, It's okay to have them.
But the most important thing is, to be you!
Hold yourself and ace it!