A nice, cooked swan was considered to be one of the most impressive meals one could eat in the middle ages. Hell, even the entrails were cooked up and eaten. So, what’s so nasty about eating a swan? Well, as part of the presentation, the bird was served up with its feathers attached back onto it, and then it was propped up as if it were still alive.
2. Umble Pie
Pie is a great choice 9 times out of 10. Umble pie, however, well that’s probably something Anthony Bourdain would love, not me. Umble pie was typically filled with the entrails of whatever animals could be found around the area- squirrels, deer, whatever- as long as they had nice juicy guts, they were cut up and shoved into a pie. Beauty.
3. Porpoise soup
When people were feeling like throwing together a nice, simple meal, porpoise soup was a popular choice- especially during Lent, where most people didn’t eat meat. This soup contained nothing but chopped up porpoise (including the guts) almond milk, oatmeal, and saffron. Miss me with that, m’lord.
No… just… no. When eating cats during the Middle Ages, it was advised that you do not consume the head of the cat. Why?
““Because it is not for eating, for they say that eating the brains will cause him who eats them to lose his senses and judgment,”
According to one cook book from those times… Oh, and when you ‘prepare’ the cat, you clean out the guts, remove the head, and then BURY IT FOR ONE NIGHT AND ONE DAY before digging it back up and cooking it. Dear oh dear.
5. The Singing Chicken
If there’s one thing that medieval cuisine had going for them was that they knew how to present the grub in an “appealing” fashion. The singing chicken was cooked completely, then re-decorated with feathers, and then stuffed with sulfur and quicksilver. When re-heated, the chicken would begin to whistle, making odd noises as if it were still alive when being served.
If you’re unfamiliar with lamprey. they are freaky, snake-like fish that have nothing but a suction cup filled with hundreds of teeth for a mouth. They’re incredibly unattractive, as far as fish go, what am I even saying? Anyway, they were incredibly popular in medieval times. Hell, even King Henry I of England died from eating too many of them. Oh, one more thing, these fish survive by latching onto larger fish and sucking their blood.
7. Sheep Penis
This wasn’t eaten as some sort of punishment for thieves, no, this was a preferred meal of the rich. How was it prepared? The dick was cut off of the sheep, stuffed with 10 egg yolks, saffron, and milk, then covered in cinnamon and cooked. I’ll take mine medium rare, please. Naw.
8. Entrails and all the extras
Nothing went to waste in these days. All of the innards and extras, such as: gizzards, chicken heads, chicken feet, livers, and hearts, were tossed into a pot, garnished, stewed, and eaten.
Sounds appealing eh? Cockentrice was a truly fucked up meal that consisted of the top half of a chicken being sewn to the bottom half of a pig, and then covered in egg yolks and saffron. Why? Beats me.
10. Helmeted Cock
Haha, helmeted cock. Classic. This dish wasn’t so much nasty as it was obscure. It was a chicken that was cooked, dressed in a suit of armour, and them served on top of a cooked pig.
Like the swan, the peacock was killed, cooked, then redressed to be presented as if it were still alive. The gross thing is that people believed that peacocks were good to be eaten up to a month after being cooked. They just… left them out and ate them for the next month.
12. Cock Ale
This is the stuff that people loved to get boozy off of. And it proooobbabblly tasted like shit. Cock Ale was the result of mixing together four pounds of mace, nutmeg, raisins, dates, and the juice of a boiled and crushed rooster. Let it ferment for a month, and you’ve got yourself some cock ale.